John Morrison

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: What is this Mickey Mouse shit? What in the name of Jesus H. Christ are you animals doing in my head? Why is Private Pyle out of his bunk after lights-out? Why is Private Pyle holding that weapon? Why aren't you stomping Private Pyle's guts out?

Private Joker: Sir, it is the private's duty to inform the senior drill instructor that Private Pyle has a full magazine that is locked and loaded, Sir!

[pause]

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: [slowly and strictly] Now, you listen to me, Private Pyle. And you listen good. I want that weapon, and I want it now. You will place that rifle on the deck at your feet, and step back away from it.

[Private Pyle grins and aims the rifle at Hartman]

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: [raising his voice] What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?

[Private Pyle shoots Hartman, killing him]

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Holy Jesus! What is that? What the fuck is that? WHAT IS THAT, PRIVATE PYLE?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: A jelly doughnut?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: How did it get here?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Is chow allowed in the barracks, Private Pyle?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: And why not, Private Pyle?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Because you are a disgusting fat body, Private Pyle!

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Then why did you try to sneak a jelly doughnut in your footlocker, Private Pyle?

Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, because I was hungry, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Because you were hungry...

[turns and addresses rest of platoon]

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Pyle has dishonored himself and dishonored the platoon. I have tried to help him. But I have failed. I have failed because YOU have not helped me. YOU people have not given Private Pyle the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle fucks up, I will not punish him! I will punish all of YOU! And the way I see it ladies, you owe me for ONE JELLY DOUGHNUT! NOW GET ON YOUR FACES!

[rest of recruits get in front-leaning-rest position, Hartman turns to Pyle]

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Open your mouth!

[shoves jelly doughnut into PYLE's mouth]

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: They're payin' for it; YOU eat it! Ready! Exercise!