Jenna Haze

Officer Michaels: [Vomiting after chasing Eva] It's just beer! It's just beer!

Officer Slater: C'mon man up. What happened?

Officer Michaels: [Without breath] He's a freakin' kid! He's the fastest kid alive!

Officer Slater: This is not good!

Officer Michaels: He's the fastest kid alive!

Officer Slater: Fastest kid alive my ass! What we're gonna do?

Officer Michaels: You know, this job though isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be, when I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!

Officer Slater: Yup

Officer Michaels: If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier...

Officer Slater: Hell, yeah!

Officer Michaels: I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.

Officer Slater: I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.

Officer Michaels: Could smell it out like a rat.

Officer Slater: Smell it out. ANything

Officer Michaels: Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him...

Officer Slater: No way,

Officer Michaels: Just punched you in the face. No semen.

Officer Slater: Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.

Officer Michaels: Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.

Officer Slater: I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make you know, live in a world of semen. That's funny you say that because I feel the same same way...

Officer Michaels: It's true

Officer Slater: I would make semen snowballs...

Officer Michaels: It would just make our lives easier if everything was covered in semen.

Officer Slater: Yeah, no crime.

Officer Michaels: Just semen. FUck, that'd be nice.

Officer Slater: I think we've exhausted this point. Sherlock Holmes, in his day, would look at you and say: "Five nights ago, Veronica Shear, USA Up All Night."

Officer Michaels: Four ounces.

Officer Slater: I know that, four ounces into your hand.

Officer Michaels: One time we found semen, one time.

Fogell: I thought you said you never found semen.

Officer Slater: One time we found semen, one time we found semen, we've got really excited, took it back to the lab, turned out it was Michaels' semen.