James Vallo

[Jake rings doorbell at Samantha's house]

Long Duk Dong: OK. I'm comin'.

[opens closet door]

Long Duk Dong: Hello? Jeez, this place is so confusing. OK.

[opens front door, screams, and shuts door]

Long Duk Dong: Go away! I call F.B.I.! I call police! Go away!

Jake: Open the door.

Long Duk Dong: No way, Jose!

Jake: Open the door.

Long Duk Dong: You beat up my face.

Jake: You grabbed my nuts.

Long Duk Dong: [looks through frosted glass on door] That you?

Jake: Yeah, that me.

Long Duk Dong: [opens door] Oh, so sorry! I thought you my new--new-style American girlfriend.

Jake: Forget it, man. Just get Samantha, all right?

Long Duk Dong: She not here.

Jake: Don't jerk me around, man. Where is she?

Long Duk Dong: She got married.

Jake: What?

Long Duk Dong: She at the church. She getting married to oily bohunk.

Jake: Married?

Long Duk Dong: Married.

Jake: Married?

Long Duk Dong: Yeah. Married

[closes door]

Jake: [turns around, under breath to himself] Married?

Long Duk Dong: Married! Jeez!

The Geek: Very nice! We're five minutes in... I'm at a loss.

Bryce: Real smooth, Cliff.