Hugo Blick

Lieutenant George: But this is brave, splendid and noble...

[Blackadder doesn't react - there's a long pause]

Lieutenant George: ...Sir

Captain Blackadder: Yes, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant George: I'm scared, sir

Private Baldrick: I'm scared too, sir

Lieutenant George: I'm the last of the tiddly-winking leapfroggers from the golden summer of 1914. I don't want to die... I'm really not over keen on dying at all, sir.

Captain Blackadder: How are you feeling, Darling?

Captain Darling: Ahm- not all that good, Blackadder. Rather hoped I'd get through the whole show, go back to work at Pratt and Sons, keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen, marry Doris. Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says: "Bugger".

Captain Blackadder: Well, quite.

[Outside: "Stand to, stand to, fix bayonets"]

Captain Blackadder: Come on, come on, let's move.

[at the door, Blackadder turns to George]

Captain Blackadder: Don't forget your stick Lieutenant

Lieutenant George: Rather, sir. Wouldn't want to face a machine gun without this.

[they walk into the misty trench, waiting for the off - suddenly there is silence - the machine guns stop]

Captain Darling: I say, listen - our guns have stopped.

Lieutenant George: You don't think...

Private Baldrick: Perhaps the war's over. Perhaps it's peace.

Captain Darling: Thank God. We lived through it. The Great War, 1914 to 1917.

Captain Darling, Private Baldrick, Lieutenant George: Hip hip hooray!

Captain Blackadder: I'm afraid not. The guns have stopped because we are about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They feel it's more sporting to let the Germans do it.

Lieutenant George: So, we are, in fact, going over. This is, as they say, it?

Captain Blackadder: Yes, unless I can think of something very quickly.

[a voice shouts 'Company, one pace forward.' They all step forward]

Private Baldrick: There's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir. A bloke could hurt himself on that.

[another call: "Stand ready" - they put their hands on the ladders ready to climb]

Private Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.

Captain Blackadder: Really Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?

Private Baldrick: Yes, sir.

Captain Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?

Private Baldrick: Yes, sir.

[another call: "On the signal, Company will advance"]

Captain Blackadder: Well, I'm afraid it's too late. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of here by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?

[a whistle blows he looks at Baldrick]

Captain Blackadder: Good luck, everyone.

[Blackadder blows his whistle, there is a roar of voices as everyone leaps up the ladders, meeting the machine gun fire]

[repeated line]

Private Baldrick: I have a cunning plan.