Andrew Rayden

[a science class is visiting the morgue]

Mr. Vargas: Are you in my class?

Jeff Spicoli: I am today.

Mr. Hand: [handing out graded test]

[22:51]

Mr. Hand: C. D. F. F. F. Three weeks we've been talking about the Platt Amendment. What are you people - on dope? A piece of legislation was introduced into Congress by Senator John Platt. It was passed in 1906. This amendment to our Constitution has a profound impact upon all of our...

[notices Spicoli's seat is empty]

Mr. Hand: Where is Jeff Spicoli? I saw him earlier today, near the first floor bathrooms. Is he still on campus? Anyone?

[Desmond raises hand]

Mr. Hand: Yes, Desmond?

Desmond: I saw him by the food machines.

Mr. Hand: How long ago?

Desmond: Right before class.

Mr. Hand: Okay. Bring him in.

[Desmond exits]

Mr. Hand: What is this fascination with truancy? What is it that gets inside your heads? There are some teachers in this school who look the other way at truants. It's a little game that you both play. They pretend they don't see you. You pretend you don't ditch! Now, who pays the price later? *You!*

[Desmond re-enters; Spicoli follows him. He has a bagel stuffed into his pants; with open shirt, barefoot, holding Vans]

Jeff Spicoli: Wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here! Hello, Mr. Hand.

Mr. Hand: What's the reason for your truancy?

Jeff Spicoli: Just couldn't make it on time.

Mr. Hand: You mean you couldn't or you wouldn't?

Jeff Spicoli: It was like a full crowd scene at the food lines.

Mr. Hand: Food will be eaten on your time. Why are you continuously late for this class, Mr. Spicoli? Why do you... shamelessly waste my time like this?

Jeff Spicoli: [long pause, but then with complete truth in his answer] I don't know.

Mr. Hand: [Mr. Hand goes to blackboard and writes the words "I DON'T KNOW", then underlines them] I like that. "I *don't* know." That's nice.

Mr. Hand: [imitating] "Mr. Hand, will I pass this class?" "Gee, Mr. Spicoli, I don't know!" That's nice. I really like that! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave your words on this board for *all* my classes to enjoy, giving you full credit of course, Mr. Spicoli.

Jeff Spicoli: All right.