Thaddeus Stevens:
[knock at the door]
It opens!
[a nervous man enters hesitantly, closing the door behind]
Thaddeus Stevens:
You are Canfrey?
Alexander Coffroth:
Coffroth, Mr. Stevens, Alexander Coffroth, I'm... I'm...
Thaddeus Stevens:
[skeptically]
Are we representatives of the same state?
Alexander Coffroth:
[stammers]
Y... yes sir! We sit only three desks apart.
Thaddeus Stevens:
[Stevens waves him into a chair]
I haven't noticed you.
[Coffroth sits]
Thaddeus Stevens:
I'm a Republican, and you, Coughdrop, are a Democrat?
Alexander Coffroth:
[stammers]
Well... uh... I... um... that is to say...
Thaddeus Stevens:
The modern travesty of Thomas Jefferson's political organization to which you have attached yourself like a barnacle has the effrontery to call itself The Democratic Party. You are a Dem-o-crat. What's the matter with you? Are you wicked?
Alexander Coffroth:
Well, I felt... um...
Thaddeus Stevens:
Never mind, Coffsnot. You were ignominiously trounced at the hustings in November's election by your worthy challenger, a Republican.
Alexander Coffroth:
No, sir, I was not, um, trounced. Uh, he wants to steal my seat. I didn't lose the election.
Thaddeus Stevens:
What difference does it make if you lost or not? The governor of our state, is... a Democrat?
Alexander Coffroth:
No, he's... he's a...
[stammers]
Alexander Coffroth:
a Re... re... re...
Thaddeus Stevens:
Re...
Alexander Coffroth:
Re...
Thaddeus Stevens:
[nods]
Pub...
Alexander Coffroth:
pub...
Thaddeus Stevens:
Li...
Alexander Coffroth:
Li...
Thaddeus Stevens:
Can.
Alexander Coffroth:
Can. Republican.
Thaddeus Stevens:
I know what he is. This is a rhetorical exercise. And Congress is controlled by what party? Yours?
[Coffroth shakes his head]
Thaddeus Stevens:
Your party was beaten, your challenger's party now controls the House, and hence the House Committee on Elections, so you have been beaten. You shall shortly be sent home in disgrace. Unless...
Alexander Coffroth:
I know what I must do, sir! I will immediately become a Republican and vote yes for...
Thaddeus Stevens:
No! Coffroth will vote yes but Coffroth will remain a Democrat until after he does so.
Alexander Coffroth:
Why wait to switch? I'm happy to switch...
Thaddeus Stevens:
We want to show the amendment has bipartisan support, you idiot. Early in the next Congress, when I tell you to do so, you will switch parties. Now congratulations on your victory, and get out.
